Research quotes by
Christian
Vision for Men suggests that there are two women for every one man in our
churches. Whilst I don’t have access to
this research my own experience is that this is the situation in many churches
although there are some churches which achieve almost equal numbers. I don’t
think I have every experienced a church where men predominate women in terms of
numbers.
Christian Vision for men also suggests that the most likely
person to be attending church is a middle class women and the least likely is a
working class man.
The research they quote also suggest that if a dad finds
Christ then in 93% of cases their family will follow yet if a mum finds Christ
then only in 17% of cases their family will follow and if a child finds Christ
only 3.5% of their families follow.
As Bill Hybel said:
The key to reaching unchurched families was
to reach husbands.
The key to reaching husbands was to create
church where men weren’t embarrassed to worship.
Once Dad was in the door, the family would
happily follow.
While Richard Rohr points out:
We are not a healthy
culture for boys or men. Not the only, but one reason is that we are no longer
a culture of elders who know how to pass on wisdom, identify and set boundaries
to the next generation. Most men are over-mothered and under fathered.
So it’s worth asking the question why in our mission
activities isn’t a greater priority given to working with men alongside initiatives
aimed at children, young people and women?
Issues for Men
At the same time there are some serious issues that affect men,
for example, the most likely cause of death for men under fifty is suicide.
Obesity is also higher for men and data for 2014 showing
that 61.7% of adults were overweight or obese (65.3% of men and 58.1% of
women). (England, 2016)
There are other issues of isolation, loneliness and
depression particularly for older men who are no longer working, their former
working environment having provided a group of daily companions and a sense of
value through their work. The danger on their
retirement is that a man’s daily activity can drift in to passivity watching
day time television or sitting in a pub or working men’s club bar, making a
drink last all afternoon. For some men there can be a drift in to alcohol abuse,
obesity and the use of pornography, which sadly is high in towns such as
Harrogate.
This drift from being active, physically engaged and in
control of one’s life in to one of being passive and being done for, with
limited control is dis-empowering, demotivating and can lead to a lack of self-worth and
respect and in my view may lead to the alcohol and other abuse noted above and
even suicide. Which sadly is the main cause of death for men under 50 and in areas
such as Kirklees is a great deal higher for men than it is for women.
In addressing this there is a danger that well-meaning
caring professionals and in particular women, may in fact further dis-empower
men as they take control and organise or do things for men whilst trying to be
helpful. The result can be a further erosion of men’s confidence and self-worth
resulting in a loss of joy and fun and potentially leading to depression.
As Carl Beech the president of Christian Vision for Men puts
it “There is an epidemic of loneliness among men and real lack of joy”
As was reported in a recent article the New York Times
research in to longevity has also shown that having good friends is one of the
most important contributory factors in increasing life expectancy by as much as
22%. So isolation and loneliness will have a major detrimental effect on the
life of men in our communities.
Addressing Isolation
If we look at places when men socialise these are often
associated with engaging in some form of activity such as participation in sport
or practical task group such as railway modelling, helping at a heritage
railway or being involved in a men’s shed. Often the conversations are one to
one or in a small group of perhaps just two or three people will talk as they work
together on a project.
The general pattern is of engaging in activity together
rather than being passive recipients even attending to watch a football match
can hardly be described as a passive activity.
These interests are reflected in the titles and content of
men’s magazines with cars, fitness and sport being titles being featured on newsagent’s
shelves.
The Australian Men’s shed’s movement has identified this
pattern and describe this way of communication as talking shoulder to shoulder.
At the same time socialising may take place after an activity for example in a
sports club, bar or village pub after game of rugby or cricket. However even here
the layout of the bar will encourages men to talk shoulder to shoulder as they
stand at the bar or sit on a stool at the bar.
Richard Rohr in his book Adam’s Return says.
“Men crave male
attention at all ages but cannot openly ask for it. So they hang around other
men at sports events, in bars, in Lions Clubs, at military academies, in wars
and at work sites and hope that it will rub off somehow. It looks too much like
weakness and neediness to name it consciously, so we garner male attention in
all kinds of macho ways. As strong as the sexual drive is, and as beautiful as
the company of women is, men all over the world create venues and situations
where the can be together.”
Why is Church failing
to deliver for men?
One of the reasons why the church may be off putting is that
it can seem very feminine for many men.
To those of us familiar and brought up with a tradition of
attending church we are used to our
patterns of worship and other gatherings but to a man unfamiliar then church
can be a very alien and off putting environment and especially if numerically
dominated by women and women’s culture.
Richard Rohr puts it like this: “I would assert that Jesus was being very much a man and very much a
layman in the way that he practiced religion. Today’s religious male has been
told that to be religious he should be feminine, sensitive, churchy, and what
some call SNAGs (Soft New Age Guys) and it is not working or even appealing to
most men of the world”.
An example is the pitching of songs in keys which are in
appropriate for deeper mail voices and as Dr James Melton, Chair of the
Department of Music at Vanguard University puts it in
Designing
Worship for Men that:
“Often our songs are pitched too high for the men (and often the
average women) to sing comfortably. Many
songs are taken straight from the latest worship CD or studio to the worship
service, and often don’t work practically.
The melody is often in the upper registers, even for tenors, so men that
are baritones or basses just “drop out.”
Often, the rhythms may be too difficult for the average guy to pick up
as well.”
With David Murrow pointing on the
Church
for Men’s website pointing out that the lyrics may also be inappropriate
for a guy and uses the example of the words of a worship song:
“Your
love is extravagant
Your
friendship, it is intimate
I
feel I’m moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your
fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place
Why do worship leaders choose such girly songs, filled with romantic
imagery, even when they perform at men’s events?”
Compare this to hymns and songs such as Rise up O Men of
God.
Rise
up, O Church of God!
Have
done with lesser things;
Give
heart and mind and soul and strength
To
serve the King of kings.
How great is our God
How great is our God
Sing with me
How great is our God
And all will see
How great, how great is our God
This may seem funny if it wasn’t true but the surplice warn
in many Anglican churches for those unfamiliar with church traditions and
history may appear to men visiting, that
the male leaders are dressing in a feminine style by wearing a surplice are in
fact wearing a women’s dress or even night attire.
Not only this but churches with pretty lace alter cloths and
linens, which would appear more at home in a tea room than a place of a working
man’s world, give the impression that a church is no place for a hard working
bloke.
For men, who as boys found academic subjects at school a
struggle and who chose a career perhaps in construction or a practical subject,
listening to a sermon and worshipping in a word ordinated world is going to be
the last thing that appeals and perhaps reminds them of how at school the girls
dominated academic achievement, which caused them to follow other paths.
From what we have seen above about the way men socialise the
idea of a bible study or fellowship where members are sit in a circle and talk
about beliefs in a group will be not only be unfamiliar but its structure and
style may make it inherently difficult for many men to participate.
As David Murrow points out in Why Men Hate Going to Church: “Women and elderly are more security
orientated than men and young people.
This is why we see so many women and old folks in church. They’re in the
market for security. But the missing men are looking for adventure, risk,
independence, and reward. If they can’t find these things in church they’ll
look elsewhere”.
It is therefore perhaps not surprising that that there are
few working class men and their families in our churches.
Jesus Ministry
Jesus in his ministry seemed to have the knack of connecting
well with the working men of the fishing villages and perhaps there is
something we can learn from his approach.
Often when people talk about Jesus’s method of discipleship
they refer to the twelve disciples; however I believe when we read the New
Testament we find that Jesus was in fact working with a core group or team of 3
or 4 guys.
First of all we see him down on the shore of Lake Galilee
where he called Peter, James, John and Andrew, Matthew 4:18-22. We she him
showing them what he did, one example is the healing of Jairus’s daughter, Luke
8:40-56. Jesus tells everyone else to leave and takes with him the parents and
Peter, James and John. The same three were with Jesus at the Mount of Transfiguration
and in the Garden of Gethsemane.
Much of his discipling also took place in the outdoors
around boats including some adventurous night and rough weather sailing. We also
often find him teaching in small groups over meals ether in people’s homes or fish
cooked on open fires on a beach.
Developing
Discipleship Programs for Men
Jesus commands us in Mathew 28v16 to go and make disciples
and I very much believe he is ahead of us in this mission. Therefore we can assume
he is ahead of us drawing men to himself so we can adopt a discipling relationship
with all that we meet.
As the Christian Vision for Men’s (CVM) evangelism strategy points
out, the first stage must be to develop friendships through engaging in
activities with men. It’s not about inviting them to church or a gospel message
but about building good solid friendships. As we have already noted men
socialise through doing activities together and therefore CVM suggest that we should engage and invite
men to be involved in activities such as cycling, canoeing, paintballing,
bowling, walking, i.e. activities that emphasise having a bit of fun together
and also the opportunity for the challenge of a project or an adventure
together.
Following this CVM suggest that men are invited to share a
meal together perhaps a curry and a decent spread, during which time perhaps a
guest will tell something of their story.
Over a period of time through regular activities together
and occasional meals together friendships and trust are built.
It’s interesting to see that one of the Methodist churches
city centre outreach projects in Liverpool “Somewhere Else “developed by Barbra
Glasson combined both the activity of making bread and eating together. This connected with a significant number of
men. This seems to be a strategy which can be replicated in engaging in an activity
where men talk whist working, sharing food together with the development of a
worshipping community. See
https://www.freshexpressions.org.uk/resources/dvd1/08
The conclusion for me is that discipleship is developed by
inviting men in to doing things together; in serving the community together
rather than teaching and head knowledge discipleship and is transferred through
following the example of other men in the doing of the Kingdom and in following
the call of Christ in a particular context.
Men’s Sheds
In terms of developing deeper and longer term friendships
particularly with retired men a Men’s Shed could be a good way to do this. Men’s
sheds were initially developed in Australia with some being run by Churches a
few years later. There are over 900 and they have also taken off in the UK with
the
UK Men’s Sheds Association reporting
over 300 and some 84 in development.
A Men's Shed is a larger version of the typical man’s shed
in the garden – a place where he feels at home and pursues practical interests
with a high degree of autonomy. A Men's Shed offers this to a group of such men
where members share the tools and resources they need to work on projects of
their own choosing at their own pace and in a safe, friendly and inclusive
venue. They are places of skill-sharing and informal learning, of individual
pursuits and community projects, of purpose, achievement and social
interaction, a place of leisure where men come together to work.
A few churches have developed including
Kiaros Network Church in Harrogate where a
group of men gathers in a church basement under a group name
Resurrection Bikes to repair donated bikes to support mission
charities as a group project. The
group has already drawn in a number of men on the fringes of the church and men
unconnected and have occasional gatherings to share meals and hear speakers
from the Christian charities they support.
Also in Harrogate a group of men as part of the Joshua
Project works to support people on low incomes by helping renovate their
properties so they can have a pleasant and attractive place to live.
In a way this is like in the early church, where Christian engaged
in social justice issues caring for widows, visiting prisoners and it was
through these actions that people were attracted to the Christian community and
joined it. However it wasn’t until after a long period of involvement and
teaching by a catechist and the demonstration of a changed lifestyle that
induction through Baptism in to the church took place.
Perhaps men could be attracted to the church community
through being invited to take part in activities which make a difference in their
local communities.
Through volunteering in this way, they will not only make
friends and but can potentially address issues which bring men down such as passivity
and lack of self -value and thereby address negative habits and self-harm as
noted above and be brought in to the community of the church and become
disciples of Christ
Discussion Starters
- What are the needs and issues of men in our community? Do
men suffer from isolation and a lack of joy and depression amongst the men we
know and if so what are the reasons for this?
- What is the gender split in our churches and what might be
the reason for this? Could for example our pattern and style of worship be off
putting for men and in particular working class men?
- How might we best connect with men in our community? Are
there projects or activities that men could gather round?
- As relationship form and the opportunity arises to invite
men to be part of our Christian community is inviting them in to the existing
pattern of worship the way forward or should we look to other structures
cantered around activities and active participation and sharing food together?
Books and Resources
Designing Worship for Men:
http://www.vanguard.edu/churchrelations/designing-worship-for-men/
